


but you're here in my heart

by SmilinStar



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 03:36:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13515786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmilinStar/pseuds/SmilinStar
Summary: He can see it.Anne as a mother, as a wife, and it lodges itself right there where it shouldn’t, and he wishes he could un-see it. Because, what he sees, what he wants? It’s just not possible.“She’s good with them,” Mrs Barnum says then, and he does his best not to react. She steps up beside him before adding, “so are you.”





	but you're here in my heart

 

 

*

 

It’s not as if he hasn’t seen them do this a hundred times before. But there’s something about watching her in full flight – swinging from one bar to the next, her natural curls free and untamed, the look of concentration on her face and sheer determination for perfection every time – that has him stopping in his tracks and looking up as they rehearse.

The edges to her jaw are set sharper today, and no, he isn’t imagining it.

The glint in her eyes is fierce and there’s no room for argument as she orders W.D. to go over the routine one more time. They’ve already been up there an hour and he can see the concern on her brother’s face just as much as he can feel it on his own.

A part of him knows that he may just be to blame but isn’t egocentric enough – unlike others in his usual, expected, social circles – to not realise her frustrations stem from the world at large. And more specifically, to the injustices she was born into.

Still, it’s hard not to forget the trembling breath that left her lips as his hand left hers. Or the feel of his parents’ gaze – their silent judgement pouring off of them in a potent mix of molten indignation, disgust, and hatred – and the way she flinched with the burn. He can still feel the cold, empty air beside him as she’d turned and walked away, and it stings in a different way.

In a way that only self-recrimination can.

He stands there off to the side, in the shadows and wonders if she can see him. Part of him wishes she’d turn his way; the other, the more cowardly part of him that let go of her hand, doesn’t know if he can handle staring once more into those angry, hurt-filled brown eyes she’d thrown up at him during last night’s show, without breaking.

So wrapped up is he in his own thoughts and his shortcomings, he barely hears the nearing footfall of little feet, and it isn’t until they’re rushing up to him, excited squeals of “Phillip!” falling from their mouths that he turns away.

He’s greeted by the beaming smiles of Caroline and Helen Barnum as they launch themselves at his legs, clinging like little bear cubs.

He instantly lightens; can’t help the laugh that bubbles from his lips as he bends down to hug them in turn.

Mrs Barnum catches up to them, a smile there on her kind face as she takes in the scene. “Come now, girls. What did I say when I agreed to bring you here? No running off and getting in the way!” she chides, but there’s no anger in the words.

“Oh it’s no bother, Mrs Barnum. It’s always a pleasure to have these two here,” he says, ruffling each girl’s hair in turn.

They grin up at him, clearly pleased to have him on side.

Their mother sighs, and he throws her a sheepish smile in return, to which she shakes her head.

“Wow!” Helen exclaims suddenly as she steps to the side and out of his shadow.

Phillip turns in the direction of whatever it is that has the youngest of Barnum’s children in awe and it’s somehow not at all surprising that it’s Anne who has caught her attention. Lying horizontal in the air, she executes one of her favourite tricks to perfection as she spins down the rope as it unwinds, stopping mere inches from the ground. Before he can even stop them, both Caroline and Helen are running forwards toward her and into the ring.

Anne takes it in her stride, dropping to the floor and greeting their enthusiasm with a smile he’s missed. Sure, it’s very rarely been in his direction, but he’s admired it from afar all the same. She crouches down to their level and he can’t hear a word they’re saying but the sight starts a dangerous thrum under his skin, creeping up towards the centre of his chest until it’s beating in time with his heart.

He can see it.

Anne as a mother, as a wife, and it lodges itself right there where it shouldn’t, and he wishes he could un-see it. Because, what he sees, what he wants? It’s just not possible.

“She’s good with them,” Mrs Barnum says then, and he does his best not to react. She steps up beside him before adding, “so are you.”

He huffs out a short laugh and shakes his head. “They’re great girls, makes it easy.”

“Yes, well, I think they inherited their father’s charm.”

“Well, thankfully, they got everything else that’s worth having from you, I’m sure,” he counters with a grin.

Mrs Barnum looks up at him in surprise, a teasing smile tugging at her mouth. “I see it’s not just my husband with an abundance of charm. Tell me, Phillip, when were you planning to put that to good use?”

“Who says I haven’t already?”

She shakes her head, before turning to look back at Anne and her girls. Anne has Caroline perched in her hoop, and they know she’s in perfectly safe hands as she gently spins her. Caroline’s delighted squeals only makes Anne smile wider.

“You do know,” she says then, voice low and serious in a way he’s not expecting, “charm will only go so far with a woman like her?”

Phillip knows the safest thing to do would be to claim ignorance, make a joke, laugh it away, but he’s been in freefall since that night and he misses the feel of the ground beneath his feet.

“A woman like her?” he repeats in question.

“A woman who’s spent her entire life in the shadows, her dreams stepped on as if mere bugs that need to be crushed, and a world that looks the other way because it can. _Actions and words_ , Phillip.”

He knows what it is she’s saying, but there’s one small problem.

“She doesn’t feel that way about me.”

He feels her hand on his forearm, a comforting presence, and he feels his heart sink. The gesture is confirmation if ever there was. But then, she says, ever so softly, “are you sure?”

And then he sees her, swinging on the ropes, circling around the Barnum girls as they clap, but her eyes are on him, and the defiant anger from last night has all but melted away leaving nothing but the kind of sadness and longing he feels in his own veins. It last only a few seconds, before her attention is drawn once again by the children, but it’s long enough for hope to bloom.

He clears his throat. “What should I do?”

Mrs Barnum pats his arm once, twice, before stepping away. “You’ll figure it out.”

 

*

 

In the end it’s Lettie that gives him the idea.

The theatre. She’s always wanted to go to the theatre.

“Figure, you being a playwright, might be something you could manage?” she says, running a comb through her beard.

There’s something in her tone, something in her eyes as she looks up at him from where she’s sitting that tells him those words aren’t for free.

There’s a warning attached.

But he doesn’t need to be told twice.

There’s no way he’s messing up.

_Not this time._

 

 

**End.**

 

 


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